Relationship & Attachment Difficulties

What makes my approach different from simply talking about relationships is the emphasis on working in the here-and-now. Attachment patterns don’t just get described in therapy — they show up in the therapy relationship itself. The way you relate to me, what you expect from me, what you hold back, how you respond to breaks and reconnections — all of this is live material. When we pay attention to what’s happening between us in the room, we’re not just talking about your patterns; we’re experiencing them and working with them directly. This is where the gestalt therapy influence is particularly useful — the focus on present-moment awareness and the relational field between us.

This way of working can feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable at first. Most of us aren’t used to paying close attention to what’s happening in a relationship in real time. We’re more accustomed to analysing things after the fact, or keeping interactions at a safe, surface level. But learning to notice — “I notice I’m holding back right now” or “I’m aware that I want to please you and I’m not sure why” — is where the deepest learning happens. The therapy space becomes a laboratory for practising new ways of relating, in a relationship that’s boundaried, consistent and safe.

The concept of earned secure attachment is important in this work. It means that even if your early experiences didn’t give you a secure foundation, you can develop it over time through relationships that offer something different. Therapy can be one of those relationships — a place where you experience consistency, attunement, repair after rupture, and genuine care that doesn’t come with hidden conditions. Over time, this experience can generalise: you start to expect different things from relationships, you tolerate closeness without panicking, you trust your own needs and express them more freely.

The timeframe for this work reflects its depth. Attachment patterns are formed in the earliest months and years of life, and they’ve been reinforced through decades of experience. Shifting them isn’t a matter of insight or willpower — it’s a gradual, relational process that unfolds over time. Most people I work with in this area stay for medium to long-term therapy, typically several months to a year or more. There’s no rush, and we’ll review regularly to make sure the work still feels useful and is moving in the right direction.

It’s worth clarifying that this is not couples therapy. I work with individuals on their own attachment patterns and relationship difficulties. Sometimes, people come to this work because they’re in a relationship that’s struggling and they want to understand their own part in the dynamic. Other times, they’re single and want to understand why they keep finding themselves in the same unsatisfying patterns, or why they avoid relationships altogether. Both are valid starting points, and the work is about your internal world and relational patterns, regardless of your current relationship status.

This work connects with several other areas of my practice. Attachment difficulties often have roots in childhood trauma, where early experiences of danger, unpredictability or neglect shaped the developing attachment system. Growing up with a narcissistic parent creates a particular kind of attachment disruption, where love was conditional and the child’s needs were secondary. And shame and low self-worth are frequently tangled up with attachment patterns — the belief that you’re not worthy of love makes secure relating very difficult. We can hold all of these threads together in the work.

I want to be honest about what this work asks of you. It asks you to show up consistently, to be willing to look at patterns that may have been operating outside your awareness for years, and to tolerate the discomfort of trying out new ways of relating. It asks you to bring the relationship — including what happens between us — into the room as material to work with. This can feel exposing and difficult at times. But the possibility is a genuine shift in how you relate: relationships that feel safer, more mutual and less exhausting. If that’s what you’re looking for, I’d be glad to explore whether this work might fit.